a cloudy day

It’s the first day of September. So many things are changing. All good at the moment. I can see God leading and orchestrating the next season of our lives. I am at peace even though there are still many unknowns.

But my heart hurts again. The tears want to come and for a few seconds at a time they have their way before I turn them back off. I don’t know why memories come. There was probably some sort of trigger unrecognized. The heartache of not raising Jen, of missing her first 40 years of life. The heartache of the hurt I experienced that year-hurt, trauma and loss that I had to keep inside then and every year that followed. Memories of the past, along with a past without memories made, sometimes over shadow the new memories in the making.

Is grief a shadow, a cloud? Sometimes the sun seems so bright, directly overhead, where shadows flee and clouds evaporate. Then suddenly without warning the shadow appears or the clouds surround me.

When my grief is like a shadow, it is just on the fringes of my thoughts, but following me everywhere. I can still see God in His sovereignty. His love for me is still clearly visible and I rejoice in His care for me. I can see His grace and mercy and how He has blessed me so abundantly.

On the days or even just hours when this grief is a cloud, the heaviness of it causes me to pause. I find I need to rest. I try to continue my day ignoring the cloud but it wears me out. I see my emotions becoming sullen. Usually, there will be some break in the clouds throughout the day, giving me a clear view of the sun, lifting my spirits. I can see His face. I know He is with me and my smile returns.

Today, the break in the clouds seems like it’s taking a long time to come, yet as I spend time in His word I know His promises are true. He is still here with me. He will never leave me. He is working all things for my good and for His glory. Any pain I suffer on this earth is nothing compared to the glory I will someday see. It is not in vain. I can learn from this grief. I can see it and not be afraid of the darkness, because God is here. Where can I go that He can not find me? If I go to the depths of Sheol, He is there.

So I will choose today, this hour, to praise Him. Maybe I will wipe away the tears as I press on with my day. They may return and that’s okay. God will give me the strength I need to do what He is calling me to do. He has promised. He is trustworthy and faithful. Through endurance and perseverance, He is growing my faith. He gives me joy and hope even in the cloud of grief. Grief is for yesterday-joy is for today-hope is for tomorrow-they can all coexist with a heart of thankfulness. I call on His high and exalted name and He hears me.

“In You, O LORD, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed; In Your righteousness deliver me. Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly; Be to me a rock of strength, A stronghold to save me. For You are my rock and my fortress; For Your name’s sake You will lead me and guide me.

I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness, Because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul, And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also. But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.”

Make Your face to shine upon Your servant; Save me in Your lovingkindness.

How great is Your goodness, Which You have stored up for those who fear You, Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You, Before the sons of men!

Blessed be the LORD, For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city. As for me, I said in my alarm, “I am cut off from before Your eyes”; Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications When I cried to You. O love the LORD, all you His godly ones! The LORD preserves the faithful And fully recompenses the proud doer. Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD.”

Psalms 31:1-3, 7-9, 14, 16, 19, 21-24

KP Sept 2020

adoption papers

This was tough-and even harder to write about.

It was the first week of March 2020. We had just received news of the stay at home order, because of Covid, when I received a copy of the adoption papers I had requested from the adoption agency. Why did I want to see these documents? I guess the main reason was because I cannot remember signing them.

The last memory I have is holding her for the first time (for about ten minutes), I think before I was discharged from the hospital. I have no memory of postpartum. Nothing. It’s completely blank for probably at least a month after her birth.

So, I sat on the couch next to my husband and opened the large manila envelope. Inside was the legal document several pages long. Also included were notes from a social worker, counselor, and hospital. There was also a form signed by me when I came to the agency stating my intentions, describing my situation as “unwed”, along with other shame building words as “teen pregnancy”, “illegitimate” “best interest of the child” and a warning of the financial burden if I changed my mind. I don’t remember if all those phrases were in one document, but as I flipped through all the papers all the feelings of shame were trying to come back. There was even a questionnaire I had to complete. The questionnaire reminded me of a back to school or “about me” assignment. What did I like to do in my free time, what were my favorite subjects in school, what did I want to do in my future? It also asked about my relationship with the birth father. I was asked about his personal and family information. I filled it out like the good student I was, leaving very few blanks, if any. As it turns out some of this information was given to my daughter and actually helped her in her search!

As I read the questionnaire, I could vaguely remember filling it out. I felt so embarrassed reading what my 16 year old self wrote. I hated reading it and realizing how immature I was. It’s like I had no idea of the life changing event that was taking place.

It was strange reading what the social worker and counselor wrote about me. I was described as an “attractive, well-groomed white female.” It doesn’t really sound like they were there to help me, but only to evaluate me. I don’t even remember talking to a counselor, but then my memories are so few. I’m assuming since they wrote that I was not very trusting that I probably didn’t say much. The hospital notes were very brief, so I still don’t know if I was medicated or if it was a totally natural birth. I was really hoping to get some medical records since I still can’t remember labor or delivery. I remember immediately after her birth but that’s a story maybe for another day.

The legal document giving all my rights as my baby’s mother was the hardest one of all to read. There was much leading type language “for the best interest of the child” but the worst part of all-my signature at the bottom of the last page. There it was in black and white. It says it was signed three days after her birth at an attorney’s office. Even after seeing it and recognizing my teenage handwriting, I still have no memory of this event.

I’m not sure what I was expecting to feel. But I don’t think I was expecting the anger that overcame me for days-even weeks.

It’s no doubt a good thing my husband was with me or I probably would have shredded them immediately. Instead I stuck them in the filing cabinet. I don’t think he saw the same thing I saw in these papers. He saw adoption was the choice made during a time in our society where it was expected. I was too young. And where would we be now if I had chosen to parent? We can’t live in regret. And even though I can agree with that in my head, I explained to him that I still regret the hurts it caused, especially for my daughter. There will always be sadness in the fact that I lost a child. And he encourages me to focus on the blessing of knowing her now and knowing God is sovereign and He is restoring what was lost.

So began the process of trying to align my feelings with truth. Obviously, it was way past time to deal with these feelings that have been buried for forty years. I had little time alone to process now that I was watching our two year old granddaughter while mommy was working. Our youngest daughter and my husband were both working from home and our youngest son was home for college-having to finish the year remotely. I spent nap time walking my 3 miles while I prayed and listened to praise music. I spent some extra time in the morning reading God’s word. In the evenings while my husband “quarantined” in the upstairs gameroom-turned office, because little one had a fever, I spent that time in my room reading books, blogs and most importantly my Bible, trying to figure out this anger I was feeling.

I did a lot of journaling, which I have been doing for the last two years, since reunion. I read that I needed to identify not just the feeling but what things I thought were causing it, so I could work through it. Then I could start the process of replacing these negative feelings with the promises of God. As it turns out, I was pretty angry at the whole situation. How all the words added to my shame. I was angry that the adoption choice was not my original plan but somehow at 16 years old, even though I don’t remembering anyone asking my opinion about anything, it became my choice. My choice to give my child a “better life.” My choice so I had no reason to be sad. I had no reason to grieve. I was convinced she would be better off raised by people who were married and ready to have a family. After all, she would never know the difference, I was told. It was “in the best interest of the child.”

But most of all I was angry at myself. I signed the papers. I signed the adoption document. It’s there whether or not I remember signing it. I started to realize after all the work I had done in forgiveness these past few years, I still needed to give myself some grace. I have to quit blaming myself for everything and remember I was only 16, 17 by the time she was born. I didn’t even have a driver’s license or a social security number. I’m not really trying to make excuses, rather put it all in perspective. It’s difficult to contemplate what I knew then compared to what I know now in experience, maturity, and spiritual growth.

God has always been with me and I knew it even in those darkest days. I prayed for His protection over my baby. I really felt as though I was placing her in His loving arms. So even now as I remember and even when I don’t remember, I know His plans are for my good. He has helped me let go of the anger and to give myself some grace.

Romans 8:28 has been more than just a catchy phrase for me. It’s not just saying God can make something good out of the mess. He doesn’t just try to come up with Plan B after I throw away Plan A. He IS sovereign. He promises His children, those who love Him, those He has called, that He is causing ALL things to work together for good. God is trustworthy to keep His promises. He has orchestrated my life and I can believe that He is faithful and completely able to do all He has promised-not just in my life but in my daughter’s.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

Some days I still feel the feelings, especially when I think about what my daughter will think if she decides to look at the adoption papers. Maybe she will be angry. And if she is-that’s okay-it’s understandable. I can’t imagine what that would be like-to see your mother’s signature on a piece of paper saying she is giving up all parental rights the day after she held you. That’s what I don’t want her to see. I don’t want her to think I didn’t want to be her mother, because I always thought of myself as her mother, even as another mother was raising her. I pray for God’s protection over her heart, that if she needs to see her history-even the ugly parts-that she can continue to see God’s hand in her life.

The enemy wants to define you by your scars.

Jesus wants to define you by His.

Louie Giglio

I’m praying that God will be glorified in my life as I let go of any anger, of any unforgiveness or self-pity. He is bigger than my mistakes and heartbreaks. He has blessed my life with a family who has always supported me. He has blessed me with a loving husband and beautiful children and grandchildren. He has blessed my life with Jen.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Philippians 2:13

KP June 2020

upcoming visit

I’m so excited for another visit with my daughter! We have actually seen all the kids at one time or another this past couple of months. We even went to Arizona for a week to visit our middle. 5 out of 7 have moved just in the past year, including the youngest who shares an apartment with 3 of his friends near campus. Two of our grown children have even left the great state of Texas! Crazy kids.

We are officially empty nesters. We are looking at the possibility of selling this big house and investing in lake property to have when we retire. So we are getting rid of all the clutter, all the stuff the kids left behind, and just so much furniture we won’t need anymore. The whole house is going to be painted, inside and out! So before all this time consuming, energy sapping, never ending to-do list begins, I’m going to escape a few days to go visit my daughter.

It’s been 2 months since our last visit. I’m so looking forward to just being with her. Seeing her face, hearing her voice, watching her live life. I love just doing the everyday things together: sit and have a cup of coffee together, play a game with the kids, take a walk or sit outside. I can hardly wait to hug her. I’m so glad she wants to be hugged! Maybe this will be the first visit with no tears? Well, maybe, maybe not. We shall see. It doesn’t even matter, really. If there are tears, then I will deal with it and not just push them away and ignore them. There is still some grief of what I missed, but the joy is so much greater. I would go through every pain and hardship again just to know I would know her in the end. I still feel like I need to pinch myself to know I’m not dreaming! She is a precious gift and I will never take that for granted. God’s grace and mercy in my life enables me to move past the guilt and shame to be able to love her in whatever way He has called me to. I can have the assurance that He has given me the ability to walk this road through His grace that He May be glorified.

27. Make me understand the way of Your precepts, so I will meditate on Your wonders.

28. My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word.

114. You are my hiding place and my shield; I wait for Your word.

116. Sustain me according to Your word, that I may live; and do not let me be ashamed of my hope.

Psalms 119: 27-28, 114, 116

two years

Two years. It’s not an extremely long time to get to know another person really, especially when you live three hours apart. Although, when I think about it, I guess it’s plenty of time to get to know someone’s heart even if you don’t know all the details of their life. I truly feel like I know her, but she wasn’t a stranger even on our first contact two years ago. She was my baby. No, I knew nothing of her life, what she even looked like, her personality, her loves, her fears, her accomplishments, the people in her life or her relationship with the Lord. I didn’t even know her name. But I knew her and I loved her.

I think many people would initially find that strange. It’s easy maybe for someone to forget that I carried her for nine months. I gave birth to her. I cried for her. I prayed for her. I missed her. I worried about her and I prayed some more. I remembered her. I was her mother. And I still am. I was never NOT her mother. I have been told that I cannot be her mother because she already has one. I understand that sentiment, I mean, I get it. I think the people that have said that to me thought they said it to protect me from hurt. But as I have learned more about adoption and how people see it, I think there is a more personal reason for their comments. One is because they are concerned by the thought that the adopted child might love her birth mother and that might be hurtful to her adopted mother. Or they think it’s not fair, because the birth mother made a choice not to parent (not even knowing the circumstances) and she has forfeited her motherhood and should not be loved as such. Some have the opinion that the one adopted would be happier if they didn’t have the conflict in their heart as to how to process having two mothers. What they obviously don’t realize is that the conflict is there from day one. Why can’t someone love two mothers just like as parents we can love more than one child? Meeting me when she was 40 years old, as a well adjusted adult who loved her adopted parents, maybe should have created a grown adult to grown adult relationship, maybe even similar to the outward relationship I have with my other grown up daughters. We do have a special friendship, but sometimes it seems we have a need to catch up as mother and daughter. I am amazed because I never would have dreamed she would want to even find me. I never hoped because I did not want to feel the loss.

But as we talked on the phone the first time, as we hugged in her front yard the very first time, my heart. Oh, my heart. The love, the loss, the love, the loss. I couldn’t even think of the future yet. It was too much to hope for. I still had guilt and shame causing doubts and fears. But in those first moments of hearing her voice, of seeing her face, of feeling her arms around me, my arms around her, Jesus was there telling me what no one else could-here is your baby and you can be her mother, whatever kind of mother she needed or wanted me to be. No one else gets to decide what that means, but her, as we navigate this new relationship asking God to direct and guide us.

It’s taken two years to try to figure out what that might look like. It hasn’t been easy to find my way through the shame of my 17 year old self, through the guilt of the adoption choice. It’s been an amazing journey as I have been learning how to be a birthmom. It’s been work. Heart work. I’ve had to listen to her and then believe it. It’s been the Holy Spirit teaching me, comforting me, pushing me, loving me and growing me in faith. I still have growing to do, of course. I’ve seen how my story can be all about me or it can be about God’s story in my story pointing to His glory. Without Him my story is failure. With Him my story is about grace. In His great love and mercy He has allowed me to know and love-even to be known and loved by-my first baby girl.

KP June 2020 – Two years in reunion

facebook group

After spending over two years trying to learn and grow in my journey as a birthmom, I have joined and left three different “Birthmother” Facebook groups. I did learn a lot about myself and the struggles people are dealing with but these groups just weren’t a good fit for me. I did actually meet another “older” mom, like myself, in reunion for about the same amount of time. Our stories are different-but the same. We have been talking quite some time about needing to find a page for our age group-who had babies in/near the “baby scoop era” and in closed adoptions. It’s just hard to make a connection with women in open adoptions, especially when they are young enough to be our children.

Neither one of us found a group like that so we decided to start our own. I don’t know if this is a group that will grow or not. Women my age are usually not looking to social media for information and they probably felt like I did that there was no one who would understand. Before reunion with my daughter I avoided all things adoption related. Maybe they are “hiding” like I was.

If you are reading this blog and you are a birthmom or know someone who is, feel free to send them my way. Even if they don’t fit in my FB group I know a couple of really good ones!

still miss her

Does it make any sense how much I miss my daughter now that we are in reunion? It seems like I should be more content now that we know each other. Every time we have a visit, I feel like the hole in my momma heart is healing. I leave with some reassurance that our relationship is becoming less emotional and more normal.

I think I may always miss what I missed. I missed cradling her in my arms. I missed her first laugh. I missed her first steps and her first fall. I missed all the childhood milestones and birthdays. I missed her recitals and her skinned knees. I wonder who her first friend was and who was mean to her. I missed the long nights worrying about her high fevers. I missed the tantrums and the snuggles, the smart mouth and the sweet I love you’s, the heartaches and the joys. I missed so many things-wedding, babies, ministries-40 years of her life.

I am reminded that no pain is in vain. God has saved every tear and knows my every sorrow. I know I will not take what I have now for granted. Even with the babies I raised, I will treasure every memory, for they are such valuable gift. I will remember that it’s okay to grieve. God is doing a work in my heart. And somehow I am thankful for the grief. I am thankful I don’t have to pretend anymore. Because of my broken heart, maybe I am drawing closer to the Lord. Maybe I am more dependent on His promises.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18

I pray I will trust Him more, for He is faithful to keep His promises.

KP August 2020

my love

Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

1 Thessalonians 5:24

Forty years ago-August 2, 1980, I married my best friend and the love of my life. I thought our love was pretty deep. Oh goodness, we didn’t even have a clue at 19 and 21, not really. We knew we needed to put God in the center of our marriage but we were very unsure how that worked. What a challenge it was just trying to think of an other person beyond our own selves, not to mention paying bills!

We had our fair share of struggles early on, as many do marrying so young. I also carried into our relationship much shame from my teen pregnancy. Even though I had told him before our engagement we did not discuss it again, not even in our pre-marriage counseling. I blamed myself for any problems we had. My self worth was pretty low. This secret was still kept from everyone while rarely discussed between the two of us. Talk about your baggage.

After the fourth year of marriage, we decided we were ready for the next step-a house and kids. I got pregnant within the first month of “trying”. Our best friends were also expecting. It was an exciting time. During this period of time there was a lot of dreaming and planning what life would be, but little praying or searching how God wanted us to live. We went to church, we went to the young couples Bible study and our friends were all Christians, or so we thought. How would we even know? We didn’t talk about God with our friends outside of the church building.

I remember one Sunday morning when my husband overslept and didn’t come. I don’t remember the exact sermon that day but God was speaking to my heart. I remember an analogy of an acorn. How until the shell is broken, it cannot grow. Before the acorn can sprout it needs water, light and nourishment that can’t get to it until that shell starts to break down. I could see the shell I had put around myself, thinking it was for my protection. I wasn’t trusting God fully with my life. I knew I did not have a spirit of submission not only towards my husband but also towards God. Oh, no one knew this about me. I looked so obedient on the outside. I was still trying to “be good” to make up for my past. This day was when I look back and see it was a time of a full surrender to the Lord. It was one of those life changing moments in my spiritual walk.

Even with this new recommitment to the Lord, I was only beginning to allow God to crack open my shell. When it came to my shame I realized Christ had died for all my sin and that this shame and all my guilt was on the cross. My head knew it but it was a long time before I truly believed it. My husband was growing, too, realizing the importance of being a spiritual leader in our family.

Years went by as our family grew and God continued to grow us. We began talking a little more about this baby we knew nothing about. We talked about how we both prayed for her. We knew it was time to stop with the secret, but we needed to tell the kids first. We thought it would be unfair to tell the older kids and then expect them to keep the secret from the younger. How do we tell other people before our own children knew? People are so bad about slipping up and saying something when it’s not their story to tell. We didn’t want our kids to find out about their sister from someone else. So we waited.

Then my husband was diagnosed with MS. It was quite a shock but we were certain God was going to be with us. There was a renewed strength and we had a peace as doctors were seen and treatments were decided on. One day my husband decided we needed a prayer room. He thought about what the safest place in our house was. The closet under the stairs was really the only interior room downstairs that had no window. It was so full of shoes, sports equipment and just junk that we wouldn’t have been able to get in it if we tried. He emptied it out and designed and shopped for everything for this space to become our prayer room. He started getting up at 4:30 so he could spend time with the Lord before he left for work. God was once again doing a work.

We started spending time in that prayer room every weekend praying together-something we had rarely done on a regular basis in our marriage. Unsurprisingly, we became even closer as we brought our concerns to the Father. He was growing our faith through crisis and continued even when things were good.

When we found out that my first baby girl wanted to meet me, I feel like our marriage was at a place that could take the stress and the emotional crisis I now had to deal with. As that shame resurfaced in my life, my husband was there to pray over me, speak truth over me and patiently allowed me to grieve for the first time the loss of this baby girl. He became my champion. I know I would not have been able to handle all of this without him. His love and support allowed our kids to be excited about their sister, allowed our friends and families to be excited about our reunion, allowed my daughter to feel like she had a place in our family and my testimony to be shared with those who need to know of God’s love and mercy.

40 years. God did a lot of work in 40 years, and I’m excited to see where else He takes us. I pray my faith will grow. I pray our marriage will be a testimony to what God can do with brokenness. He is worthy of our praise and all glory is His alone.

KP August 2020

rejoice

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Rejoice always. Sometimes this seems impossible. It seems impossible during a pandemic. It seems countercultural with the civil unrest today. Even when I am trying to learn about these things it can be easy to get caught up in the emotions of fear, confusion, anger, frustration and just being overwhelmed with too much information. It is hard to rejoice when I see my husband struggling with his health, knowing I can’t do anything to help. It can be disheartening to see friends and family deal with the virus and all the stress that has come because of it. Also, as I work on learning all things adoption, because I think by doing so I can understand my daughter more, it can bring some guilt of how my relinquishment has hurt her in any way. Even though I have worked through so much of the shame and guilt I have felt as a birthmother, there are days I fall into regret and self pity. How do I stay in a rejoicing attitude with all the struggles and pain in life and in the world around me?

The answer is in the next part of the sentence in verse 17, “Pray without ceasing.” We aren’t just to pray for all our problems and needs, but also at the same time we need to “in everything, give thanks.” Giving thanks in all circumstances sure sounds contradictory to what the world tells us. The world tells us to stay the victim, make your voice louder than any others. We live in a world where we think we need to criticize anyone who disagrees with us. We are a people of anger and selfishness. Stomp your feet and throw a fit, not unlike a 2 year old. We are angry if we have to wear a mask or angry that someone else either chooses to or chooses not to. We are angry if the traffic light takes too long to turn green, for heaven’s sake. Do we need to stand up for injustices? Of course, we do! This takes a change of our own thinking first. We need to consider others more important than ourselves, which is definitely not a popular way of thinking. We need to ask God to give us opportunities to show His love through us and then follow Him in obedience.

This worldly “wisdom” has not changed since the the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve decided they knew as much as God. They put themselves above God. They thought they could make their lives better. How could life be better than living in a garden paradise walking with God? If they had gone to the Father when the serpent tempted them to disobey the Lord God, they might have realized the deception before it was too late. In Luke we read when Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, was tempted in the wilderness. He knew the truth in God’s word and recognized when Satan was quoting Scripture that he was distorting the meaning in an effort to deceive Him. How many times do we allow our hearts to be deceived instead of looking for truth? Truth in His word taught to us by the Holy Spirit, instead of what is being shouted to us by culture or what we think is true according to our own selfish desires.

In Philippians Paul says that his circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel. What if we surrendered our circumstances for furthering the gospel? The apostle Paul suffered prison, beatings, stoning, and rejection and considered suffering for Christ to be a privilege. For us to suffer for the sake of Christ, it would mean exchanging pride with humbleness, criticism with thankfulness, our rights and freedom with sacrifice. We can trade all the negative emotions into emotions that line up with God’s truth. Stand firm in our salvation to not only believing in Jesus but also willing to suffer for His sake.

We cannot do this in our own power, but we can choose joy and then follow the Spirit’s leading as we read and study His word, asking Him to open our eyes to His truths and to change our hearts. It takes an attitude of “prayer without ceasing.” We need to “examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil” as we read in verse 21 and 22. This chapter is so full of practical and deep truths and promises.

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of the Lord Jesus christ.

Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24

So today I will lean on His promises to do the work in my life as I choose to rejoice, pray and give thanks in each circumstance in my life. I’m trusting in His faithfulness even when I when I fall short. I’m praying for my life to bring Him glory today.

KP July 2020

reading psalms

Nothing speaks to my emotions and strengthens my faith like reading Psalms. It’s like reading and praying at the same time. A good thirty plus years ago in the church we basically grew up in as a couple, our pastor had led the church in a time of reading every 30th Psalm and a Proverb starting with the day of the month. So on the first we read Psalm 1,31,61,91,121 and Proverbs 1. I have done this plan off and on for all these years. Sometimes a month at a time or maybe a couple of months. Maybe even for a few weeks. I like to suggest this reading plan to anyone just starting out in their Bible reading journey.

As we have been participating in virtual worship and Bible study in our church, I have also been listening to worship services and Bible studies of that church we went to before moving here 18 years ago. The pastor who started me on this reading plan is now leading the church once again to read every thirtieth psalm during this pandemic. He has also been doing a Facebook live study on different chapters. He started out picking one of the chapters that we were reading that day. The last several times he has done an extensive study of Psalms 23. I have to admit I have never heard it taught like this before. It’s been amazing to take advantage of these virtual lessons being taught.

For the last two years, since reunion with my oldest daughter, I have spent a lot of time in Psalms. As I read about David’s doubts and fears, I can see how he called out to the Lord and then praised Him for His promises and His grace and mercy. It gives me hope when I am dealing with doubt or fears that I can be the birthmom I need to be. When guilt and shame of the past weigh me down, I am reminded of the forgiveness God has given me through His Son. I can see how grief and joy can coexist. It always seems to help me line up my emotions with God’s truth.

If you are struggling with fears or doubts during this pandemic or any crisis, I would suggest reading Psalms for awhile. It is like a balm to your soul as the Good Shepherd tends to your wounded heart. He is so faithful.

“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:1-6‬ ‭NASB‬‬

If you’d like to hear the first of the Psalms 23 series check this link…

https://www.facebook.com/155193629853/posts/10158194159519854/?vh=e

KP May 2020

instagram

I have had an Instagram account for about 8 years. What started out as a maybe a simplified version of my Facebook has become an outlet for my creative side. Photography has become a much more serious hobby and I enjoy sharing photographs of the things I love and that I’m passionate about. And surprisingly, I’ve met quite a few friends on Instagram!!

That’s all. Here’s a recent post. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAiT68up41d/?igshid=1mbaa7cyywsz5

KP May 2020

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